App-post.

[clonksukcer]

Character: Dave Strider
Series: Homestuck
Character Age: 13 years old.

Canon: Welcome to Homestuck- where four young children with vocabularies FAR beyond their ages are playing a game that warps the very fabric of reality and summons the apocalypse, where time-travel is a way of life and the most badass bunny ever must be put back in the box. In order to beat the game the kids must keep their heads cool and overcome many dangerous foes, as well as survive the well-intentioned but often profanity laced and irate assistance of some trolls with experience in the game…

And you when you talk about cool heads, you’re talking about Dave Strider. So cool that he can never be seen without his shades or express any sentiment without a heaping dose of abrasive behaviour and wordy witticisms sprinkled in, Dave is at first glance an insufferable ’cool kid’-prick that would drive any sane person insane in seconds. Fortunately, there is more to him than constantly being in your face and ironically disdainful of your lameness. Dig a little deeper and you will see that Dave is willing to do anything for his friends. He will fight for them, sacrifice himself for them and even stomach their completely sincere love for bad movies, cartoons and pretentious prose because they are his crew and he is theirs. Dave will never miss an opportunity to hype them up as the bees knees and be there when you need him to be there (which is partially made easier because he develops the power to manipulate time over the course of the game), and is generally the nicest insufferable prick you’re ever gonna meet. Just don’t expect him to ever express this nice side without couching it in layers and layers of irony, strange metaphors and smart-ass sasstalk, and you have a loyal friend in Dave Strider... as long as you don’t expose him to plush puppets. There is no irony in his heart for them- only screaming terror.

Note: all the characters in Homestuck have a unique way of writing. Dave talks in red text without any caps and very little punctuation.

Canon: :
-- turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo posted by CampsFuckingFauna--
TG: okay see im cool with the anthro-subcultural scene as long as it’s not getting up in my grill
TG: and this is the fucking definition of up in my grill
TG: talking farmland critters in my face like im walt disney and theyre begging me to not go lemmingcide on their asses
TG: trying to convince me i have won a trip to the land of fucking and death
TG: newsflash: we call that ’earth’- theres this whole history there of people doing very little but fucking and dying
TG: its not as new or as cool as you think and it doesn’t make your little haven against fursecution any more special than your regular sweaty nerd convention
TG: so im just gonna turn down the golden ticket to this wonderfarmland and give it to some young pup buying his first set of catears
TG: hell appreciate it more than i wi
TG: is that a giant squid?
TG: thats some elder god looking fucker right there
TG: like your combined repressed sexual fucked-upitude summoned some divine being of depravity that requires strapping young virgin sacrifices to keep up your plentiful pocky harvests
cravings that apparently you think i should go over there and appease
TG: which first of all is kind of impossible seeing as my sheer awesome is making you people pregnant as we speak
TG: with children you are far too weak to carry so sorry in advance for when they burst out of your spontaneously formed wombs
TG: and second i am not letting something that’s more wrong than a whole room full of plushass anywhere near me
TG: and anyone who thinks otherwise will be on the receiving end of a beatdown so legendary that those who live to tell the tale will be like babies reciting shakespeare
TG: you know theres some deep truthful shit about humanity somewhere in there but damn if you can hear it through the drooling and diaper-soaking
TG: whats that? baby dont approve of my in your face ways and think i should take a chillpill?
TG: then let me make something perfectly gogdamn clear here
TG: on another world and time three kids are trying to beat a game or die trying
TG: and if im not there to watch their backs they can just bend over and spell out ’goodbye’ on their collectively screwed sphincters with their damn tongues
TG: so hey thanks a whole lot for offering me some bullshit vacation to farmville pedo edition but I can seriously not do this right now so either back the hell outta my way or get ready to lose limbs
TG: easy choice show me the way out or decap attack slick as a ninja mac on a skateboard track
TG: what will it be homes?
TG: yeah i thought you would go for the option that ends with you guys alive
TG: ill just head for the exitgate you guys pointed out to me like the suavest and most gullible mofo you ever seen
TG: just gonna go step into this here barn that im sure is not at all some kind of clever ambush
TG: that i wont just undo by rewinding time yes sir just gonna walk into this barn
TG: this barn full with
TG: bulbous plush rumps and
TG: plushie chtulhus with the tentacles and the rumps and
TG: you have won the battle you sick fuckers but the war has only begun



The voting post can be found here! It was up against a dup and received 81.8 percent of the votes in.